All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
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My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I gave up going to work for lent.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.