Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
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Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please