*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
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They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.