Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.