Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
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Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat