My safe word is now just a dry cough.
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Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now