A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
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If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.