We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
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[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?