She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
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[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
oppen heimer style lol
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
catch me on valentine’s day like
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.