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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”