My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
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@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad