My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
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Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.