r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
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PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY