[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
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*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
c’mon!
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs