ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
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I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠