[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Bill is short for Billiam
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.