Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
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Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
christening a ship with an overripe banana
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
The Joker was right
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period