Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
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Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
my mind
You just read my mind
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda