“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
i spent way too long on this
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Barbie gone wild
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.