abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
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Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
My wife gives the best headache.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.