I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
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My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My wife gives the best headache.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.