This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
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Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My Plans 2020
Cats are still liquid.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?