Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
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They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.