My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
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Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.