[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
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This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
titanic
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Finally
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.