You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
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[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
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Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
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Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?