I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
You Might Also Like
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.