Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
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[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.