It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
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Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
This is a bad sign
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement