I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
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I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Siri: Retweet me.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.