Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
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Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
sir, my pâté if you please
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
When I snag the last meatball.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath