What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
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I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
channeling her this year
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
$3 #books
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!