Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
You Might Also Like
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
LOOOOOOL
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip