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[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*