[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
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How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
❤️🦆
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.