I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
You Might Also Like
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
This cat wants you to take your pills
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog