Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.