Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
For once Iâd like to get kicked INTO a bar
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Listen. You call me a cunt and Iâll call you an ambulance.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
âOh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.â
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
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What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that donât want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
âI MUST tell you,â said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, âI MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.â and skipped off
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and youâre doing great *gives him a raisin*
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I donât think AI should be used to make contentâŚBUTâŚif there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesnât go to bed they will arrest himâŚ
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.