My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
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I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge