I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
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My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.