[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
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Customer is always right
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.