How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Happy Star Wars day!
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.