No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
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[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon