What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
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My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
me before I type out affect or effect
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
when u come home smelling like another dog
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication