“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
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A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*