My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
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My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*