I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
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Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
inside you are two wolves
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.