Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
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Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Yes, this is exactly right
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
idk what he going thru but i feel him
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.