This was my dad’s browser history.
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[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!