walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
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[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.